Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*