A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage