interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.