*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too