I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.