Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
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do u think theres a butter planet?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin