[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Sunday
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?