Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication