If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.