My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
You Might Also Like
(Gaming support cat.)
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim