Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.