“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
huge valentines day plans this year!!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything