[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
we’re dead?
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.