In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Thursday
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs