9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans