Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Always a metermaid never a meter
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.