Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
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Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*