I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts