fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
You Might Also Like
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Festive toon…
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Same post same
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.