If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
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*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above