[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days