Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe