I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!