that’s really how it is
You Might Also Like
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
opening twitter today
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out