“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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I can fix him.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
*offers Batman cough drops*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”