Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite