A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
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At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake