me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.