For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
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My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too