Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*jingles half the way*
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.