The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
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The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine