friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
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*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Do not levitate over flowers
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today