The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.