I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
In case you needed to hear it:
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I triple waxed for this?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.