“What?”
– Jude
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I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Pretty much! 😂👀