This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
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Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.