Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
lol
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Haha! 😂
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information