Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
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My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.