[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
See..?
.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Boom, boom, ching!
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.