“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
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I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
#winning
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*pronounces fake like saké*
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.