“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
i really liked this one
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway