Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
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That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.