This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
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Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My love language is hissing.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster