Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi