A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
This was a bad idea all around
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me