A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
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Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
what
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.