Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.