They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…