What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
You Might Also Like
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too