A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?